return of the peroxide blonde*this town needs a shithead*abject terror and more abject terror*Hawk Season 2012: a president for all seasons.*this nation needs a shithead
I have to tell you a story before I can tell you what happened. Sit down.
I've been up all night, racking my brain. I've been adrift all New Year's, wandering the usual spots with no luck. Turducken was doomed. Downtown was evil. Serpents and devils and shit buying drinks for other serpents and devils, the undead speaking in reverse tongues... working on their anagrams with renewed zeal.
See, three years ago I escaped Paris Hilton Island with my life and my life only. I had been there seven months, an idiot trapped by the promise of reality tv-delivered riches. I had been scalded with burning oil and set out in a fire ant hill. They made me eat sewage in a stunning $4,000 outfit and I still DIDN'T FUCKING WIN.
Since then, I've looked over my shoulder in dread that the Island Guard will find me and drag me back. Every time I hear a Justin Timberlake ringtone or a Honda Civic's glass pack I freeze and drop, paralyzed with fear.
But now it's the New Year. Several have passed since my unlikely escape, but the fear has yet to fade. I can't help the feeling that they'll be muscling me back soon, my fingernails clawing the ground as they pulllllllllllllllll.
So I've been drifting the defeated town, my face obfuscated with surrender paint, wondering if this will be the year we are all set free from Paris Hilton Island. The parties were death, the bars were vicious. I was surrounded by strange vampires, waiting to suck the fantasies out of my head and sell them to shitty authors. Panicked friends tried to fight, tried to stand beside me, but were all eventually thrown to the wolves. I wander this terrible town, mind clouded with bad thoughts, eyes clouded with the old year, begging the new one to come. Then, come the new one, I don't recognize it.
It's a wolverine in the nursery, gray at the edges of my optimism. It's the sweet taste of napalm on toast, the breakfast of a day already in shambles. Will this year be better than the last? Really, every year we say "it should be," but are never given cause to consider anything a win.
Next year I'm having a private New Year's. All my introspection this year took place in absolute crowd, and that just doesn't work. I hit all the wrong conclusions.
What I do realize, though, is that the beginning and end of a year are absolutely relative.
That said, I'm going to celebrate the Chinese New Year. By then I'll be ready.
Peace.
Showing posts with label NYC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NYC. Show all posts
12/30/07
Courtney Love for President
It's the future, people, but don't be scared. It's what we always wanted.
*Megafast shit, like computers and McDonalds/Sheetz/Starbucks coffee that comes out exactly
like you dreamed it would taste.
*Laptops are shrinking. They're going to be the size of phones.
*The iPhone is growing. It's going to be the size of a laptop.
All kinds of kooky shit. We're realizing what kind of sci-fi movie our future is based on and, unfortunately, we're not in Star Trek or The Fifth Element. It's more like Blade Runner over here... or the Running Man. Dystopic shit, like omnipotent predator cops and increased government surveillance Wiretaps, a heavily manipulated and spun holy war. Fifteen minutes of fame chopped down to fifteen seconds. The all star villains of dystopic film hopping out of our screens and into positions of power.
Things are getting scary... as Hillary Clinton appears to be our last best hope for this election. We're doomed to another 12 year cycle, as Hunter S. Thompson so eloquently put it, of Republican presidents. It's like in the 90s, when Courtney Love won 15 minutes of dreary fame over Cobain's suicide. We felt our nihilism slipping away with disgust, we watched as Soundgarden and Alice in Chains slowly dwindled and split. Of the scene few survive now. Pearl Jam is the only surviving giant of that sweet, sweet movement... and they only survived because they evolved.
E V O L U T I O N
Now Bill Clinton, who I will argue was a damn fine president, is relegated to cheerleader status for his strange and smug wife, the Senator from "New York."
She's as much a New Yorker as Bush is a Texan. Give me a fucking break.
Anyone who has read their histories knows that political parties, like anything, have lifespans. The two dominant parties in our nation have outlived their usefulness. The Republicans (as we know them) are the ten thousand pound elephant in the room, with a smattering of nervous Democrats profusely apologizing to everything in sight. The Democrats know they're cornered and are screaming "uncle" as loudly as possible. They've been reading the Art of War, but they've been reading it upside down. The champions chosen from the ranks are the frailest soldiers, the pretenders.
I don't know enough about Obama, but I do know that he's no Kucinich. Now THAT bastard has balls. He's doomed, though. The curse of Nader hangs on his soul, drawing somehow Perot level disrespect. He's the third-party Democrat, doomed in a football obsessed society.
What does football have to do with anything? Well, it's a contest for supremacy between two polarizing powers. The magical number two is entrenched, forever established, to where a third party candidate can only be fodder for late night TV jokes or accused of "losing the election" for down and outers on November 8th. This is a shame for Kucinich, because he's the purveyor of some damn fine ideas.
He will fail. People like sitcoms and crime dramas, people like soap operas and the gibberish hysteria of reality TV. He's too damn smart. People get too envious when they see him. He's progressive, his wife is a hot redhead half his age. He's a non-traditional politician with a Jimmy Carter peace stripe five miles wide. People hate their betters and will not bring them to power, they will only bring the contemptible to power except in rare and freakish times.
Wait, that doesn't gel either. These are rare and freakish times! The African subcontinent is eating itself alive like a boa constrictor on acid, World War 4 is building over in Pakistan (WW3 was Korea, Viet Nam, Cambodia, et cetera. Do the research, all the properties are present. -HS), our stores are full of poison (product recalls on toxic foods and toys), and our weather patterns have gone fuck crazy from global warming. I mean, holy shit, the tropics have moved! This does not mean bikinis in December... this means drier weather. The big drought in NC is a sign of things to come.
Is there some kind of James Bond villain at work... some weirdo with a metal skull living in a hollowed out volcano?
No... there is not. This is the industrial revolution at work.
R E V O L U T I O N
Humans are an active species, so I won't go screaming the Big Hate right now. We interact with our environment, it's what we do. The trouble right now is that we're interacting globally and don't yet have a comprehensive understanding of our planet on that scale, or even what that scale means. We're not going to stop using petroleum, we're not going to stop building condominiums twenty feet from the breakers.
The worst that will happen is that we won't be able to live here. The planet will kick us out and make room for the next evolution. We're used to being here, we like it here, so we need to work on how to maintain our quality of life without causing further change to our preferred ecosphere.
Keyword: change. Not damage, change. A warmer planet with different weather patterns will benefit certain forms of life.
So that's it. It's very simple. We work out a way to maintain our rampant consumption of natural resources while being responsible tenants in our preferred ecosystem. You know, be the guy who never takes a beer from the fridge without putting one back.
We're probably fucked.
Apocalyptically yours...
-HS
*Megafast shit, like computers and McDonalds/Sheetz/Starbucks coffee that comes out exactly
like you dreamed it would taste.
*Laptops are shrinking. They're going to be the size of phones.
*The iPhone is growing. It's going to be the size of a laptop.
All kinds of kooky shit. We're realizing what kind of sci-fi movie our future is based on and, unfortunately, we're not in Star Trek or The Fifth Element. It's more like Blade Runner over here... or the Running Man. Dystopic shit, like omnipotent predator cops and increased government surveillance Wiretaps, a heavily manipulated and spun holy war. Fifteen minutes of fame chopped down to fifteen seconds. The all star villains of dystopic film hopping out of our screens and into positions of power.
Things are getting scary... as Hillary Clinton appears to be our last best hope for this election. We're doomed to another 12 year cycle, as Hunter S. Thompson so eloquently put it, of Republican presidents. It's like in the 90s, when Courtney Love won 15 minutes of dreary fame over Cobain's suicide. We felt our nihilism slipping away with disgust, we watched as Soundgarden and Alice in Chains slowly dwindled and split. Of the scene few survive now. Pearl Jam is the only surviving giant of that sweet, sweet movement... and they only survived because they evolved.
E V O L U T I O N
Now Bill Clinton, who I will argue was a damn fine president, is relegated to cheerleader status for his strange and smug wife, the Senator from "New York."
She's as much a New Yorker as Bush is a Texan. Give me a fucking break.
Anyone who has read their histories knows that political parties, like anything, have lifespans. The two dominant parties in our nation have outlived their usefulness. The Republicans (as we know them) are the ten thousand pound elephant in the room, with a smattering of nervous Democrats profusely apologizing to everything in sight. The Democrats know they're cornered and are screaming "uncle" as loudly as possible. They've been reading the Art of War, but they've been reading it upside down. The champions chosen from the ranks are the frailest soldiers, the pretenders.
I don't know enough about Obama, but I do know that he's no Kucinich. Now THAT bastard has balls. He's doomed, though. The curse of Nader hangs on his soul, drawing somehow Perot level disrespect. He's the third-party Democrat, doomed in a football obsessed society.
What does football have to do with anything? Well, it's a contest for supremacy between two polarizing powers. The magical number two is entrenched, forever established, to where a third party candidate can only be fodder for late night TV jokes or accused of "losing the election" for down and outers on November 8th. This is a shame for Kucinich, because he's the purveyor of some damn fine ideas.
He will fail. People like sitcoms and crime dramas, people like soap operas and the gibberish hysteria of reality TV. He's too damn smart. People get too envious when they see him. He's progressive, his wife is a hot redhead half his age. He's a non-traditional politician with a Jimmy Carter peace stripe five miles wide. People hate their betters and will not bring them to power, they will only bring the contemptible to power except in rare and freakish times.
Wait, that doesn't gel either. These are rare and freakish times! The African subcontinent is eating itself alive like a boa constrictor on acid, World War 4 is building over in Pakistan (WW3 was Korea, Viet Nam, Cambodia, et cetera. Do the research, all the properties are present. -HS), our stores are full of poison (product recalls on toxic foods and toys), and our weather patterns have gone fuck crazy from global warming. I mean, holy shit, the tropics have moved! This does not mean bikinis in December... this means drier weather. The big drought in NC is a sign of things to come.
Is there some kind of James Bond villain at work... some weirdo with a metal skull living in a hollowed out volcano?
No... there is not. This is the industrial revolution at work.
R E V O L U T I O N
Humans are an active species, so I won't go screaming the Big Hate right now. We interact with our environment, it's what we do. The trouble right now is that we're interacting globally and don't yet have a comprehensive understanding of our planet on that scale, or even what that scale means. We're not going to stop using petroleum, we're not going to stop building condominiums twenty feet from the breakers.
The worst that will happen is that we won't be able to live here. The planet will kick us out and make room for the next evolution. We're used to being here, we like it here, so we need to work on how to maintain our quality of life without causing further change to our preferred ecosphere.
Keyword: change. Not damage, change. A warmer planet with different weather patterns will benefit certain forms of life.
So that's it. It's very simple. We work out a way to maintain our rampant consumption of natural resources while being responsible tenants in our preferred ecosystem. You know, be the guy who never takes a beer from the fridge without putting one back.
We're probably fucked.
Apocalyptically yours...
-HS
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