After dinner Q&A with the Road Troll

Winter is soon upon us, in its unique Eastern NC kind of way, which means it's going to be fucking damp and vaguely cool until February. In February it will get evil cold for maybe three weeks, and then flop around between extremes of temperature like an epileptic mudskipper.

There's evil blood in the water, and it's always gone by New Years' Day, it's just that surviving December is more of a challenge every year. The Christmas Beast has descended from the hills, reversing peoples' minds, causing their eyes to roll back in their head as they scream shit that sounds something like “S'lhok ta elas gnivigsknaht refta yad eht ta nam a dellik I!”

Disturbing reports on the street of peaceniks roaming around with heavy sports equipment, bashing each other outside of avant-garde art shows. Disturbing reports of cops found weeping by their cars, their uniforms stained and rank. Disturbing reports of anarchy on the highways, middle aged men hanging out of their car windows cackling wildly. Animals of all kinds have been seen leaving town in twos, mating all the way.

Don't worry, though. It's not the end of the world. It's just the end of the year... this is the terrible and evil buildup to my favorite holiday. Every time I survive December I sigh the world's hugest sigh. I drink White Russians in the yard, shooting my revolver with glee at passing trains.

I've lived lots of places, and New Years' is always magic. I don't know what it is, but I feel like the whole planet has been given temporary reprieve. Deity smiling its huge smile, lips and gums and teeth the distance from Beijing to Tuscaloosa. Deity says to its friends, “Well, they've fucked up every other year. Maybe if we give them a blank slate they'll do it right this year.” Glasses come together and clink.

So we get our New Years'. The baseball bats and kitchen knives and golf clubs fall to the ground in a group hug the size of Texas. For one night, all teeth are platinum bling, and something big and carnivorous smiles in the corner.

I love winter, but goddammit it's evil here.